What are you thankful for?
Your fav imperialist celebration is upon us, Thanksgiving.
Context:For me, 1867 was the first record of my American ancestry. In 1867 racist ass Andrew Johnson was president and it was the era of [failed] reconstruction
Powatan Holmes is the start of my family tree starting in Powhatan county Virginia. My fifth cousin was apart of the 409 registred free colored people and was listed to be able to read and write. I cannot find much about him, both as mulatto or Black, maybe he was indigenous? According to my grandmother and our family portraits to that period, it looks that way. Wow I have attended a powwow when I was younger, I have never quite felt attached to this identity, but carry that intersection as a part of my depth.
I I look to this history as segue to conceptualize my existence in this present. One needs a sense of past, present, and future, or apathy becomes a standard. Since my mom passed in 2013, I have found it necessary to write out what I was thankful for.
2017 has surely been LONG BIHHHH
...and all the same, I'm surprised we've just came full circle. I have learned so much about myself: my projected self, true self, and future self. I have reconfigured my world so much, and all of it has been for the better. When people write their resolutions I feel there is an assumption of failure to follow through. And even if that doesn't happen, there's not a revisiting of the empowerment felt when they were written. I had a great year, and can wholly stand behind that statement. I had fun, I cried, I travelled, I learned.
On this ~wellness journey~, I have learned that it is nearly impossible to *exist* in one form. I preach about intersectional theory and practice because one comes to understand every part of your identity, and others, matters. Expression and interpretation are all dependant on our individuality and our experiences. Since we cannot pick and choose what matters and what doesn't...only on a scale, a continuum do we measure what kinda matters or at least what is most important.
The same way I don't pick and choose my battles, I am cognizant of all struggles. I don't pick and choose my lessons, I am cognizant of all truths.
SO YES, I am thankful for literally everything.
Trying to even conjure up a list of things I'm maybe a little less fond of that has happened, or revelations, are important to me, and I can't imagine my character any differently.
What I am most thankful for is my opportunity to be alive: To make choices. To meet people. To try things. To go different places. My life is not really a first, second, or third chance. In 2016 I had three major suicide attempts but I tried consistently, and didn't care. So, there's no real concrete number, just a continuum or extreme emotions and actions. In 2017 I had no suicide attempts. I sure as hell had the ideation, but never acted on the thoughts. I sought help. When professional help was no longer viable I turned to my mentors, my friends, my loved ones. How did that turn out?
Interestingly enough, the start of recovery is when I lost the weak links: those that I would bend over backwards for that chose not help me when I needed it. When I was public in my misery, for once in my life, many people stepped up, and many let themselves walk out of the door of humility, friendship, loyalty, and love.
Nah, I used to be. A better term would be disgusted. But again, when I frame it all now, it was necessary. How could I be where I am now, who I am now if that didn't happen? Would I know the same life lessons? Would I be this self confident? Would I know my worth as a Disabled af individual who is unapologetic? There is no certainty.
According to Google:
1. the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.
synonyms:existence, being, living, animation;
We care, but who knows?
To my understanding, it doesn't matter because I'm living it. When I'm skruggling without an outlet, suicidal, depressed, anxious, all that, I'm living my life. When I'm out and about, lit, slaying my look, feeling radiant, I'm also living. The former is more dangerous because it has factors that may limit my livelihood. If you die, you don't get a chance in that lifetime to do anything else. And while when I'm feeling suicidal I can rationalize wanting an end to possibilities of pain and despair, also not being able to list finite solutions to combat those thoughts. That is okay, that is learned. That can be found in therapy. I have no positive therapy experiences, but I am a whole ass autonomous human being. I can control my actions. I cannot control my thoughts but I can communicate them to others and act on my own will.
I can rank experiences, but they all matter.
I'm just happy, thankful, to be alive, not in theory, but ALIVE, present to what is happening right now. I'm not engulfed in depression about the past, I let that shit go. I am not trapped in my anxiety to live in fear of the future.
I'm just here, and that was my main goal of 2017.
To be alive, and here.
[ side note: my new name is coming. my current one no longer represents who I am, just who I was :) ]