We going into 2019 with the familiar logic of removing self blame or self pity in a vacuum. As well as circular logic and excuses.
I love being able the feel the wide ranging depth of my emotions.
I love not regulating their time and place; taking the time to feel and process them all the way through.
This is how I remain present and gentle with myself.
Juvenile - Bounce Back
I suggest taking the time to LISTEN to both of these amazing versions of this song
We not only exude big dick energy. We are only receiving niggas that dream of your range.
The lower of the standards I allow, the more time I waste, even for a moment.
What I often pass on to others about how I got to where I am, is through questioning.
[in variation of words from a BC era Jewish leader, Hillel the elder]
When are you going to support yourself no matter what?
At what point do you answer, ‘I am right’?
When do you stop letting others determine your range of action or inaction?
I refuse to participate in an interpersonal matrix. I refuse to legitimize emotional performativity. I refuse to not acknowledge my personal comfort and the walls that exist to sustain it.
Months ago I went through an unexpected break up. It truly surprised me. The love was there, although considering the long pent up issues, I was virtually unmoved for awhile. I had my grieving period concurrently alongside a friend dying. This was a massive amount of pain I hadn’t felt for years. But somehow?? I got through it and moved on. I met some great people, met some fine ass people, and had my cakes celebrated :)
I knew my past relationship issues and what led to them. But would I address them? That’s the karmic lesson. My trauma is not a gauge of my ability or inability to inflict harm on others. It manifests as my assumption most people do not deserve my empathy or patience, my trust, or raw intimacy. Though that is what my ‘cold’ aquarius (x5 or 4) Capricorn (x4 or 3) stellium ascendant self craves, it does not come across so clearly. This has been a hard thing to grasp considering cultural factors of my entire intersectional existence. Also hard to believe considering my friendships that have accelerated so quickly and have remained heavy since coming into existence. Meaning, I can form loving friendships in the blink of an eye. I can trust people with the deepest parts of myself without a timeline.
One of my gifts is being able to quickly read people, whether than be fear, love, comparability, passion, etc. Where this gets skewed is when in relation to my trust.
So what went wrong?
What went right with the friends I cherish is that when I trusted their intentions with no malice.
All of this to show my argument against my own perceived inability to love and be loved. That’s an old argument. But my ability to trust? And for those that only trust reciprocally, be trusted? Something else.
I decided one day in December to accept peoples intentions at face value. Since then I have felt so much clarity and so much more secure in all my relationships, so much so they have all grown in loving friendship abundance that I am glowing from.
It takes me back to a moment in 2016, a moment that is impossible to explain in all senses. I was walking my dog down New Mexico Ave in NW on a sunny day, fully medicated with all of my prescriptions. I was present, reflecting on life, and had nothing to complain about. No aches or pains, stresses, or work to do. I was bouncing back from my first suicide attempt, and hopeful. I freaked out at the thought for a few moments. After processing, I came to the conclusion that this is what happiness was and felt like. It was so foreign I was taken back. I hadn’t felt that way in 3 years. Since my mom died, I hadn’t known what a present thought that was positive had felt like. It was a heavy realization falsely equated with the state of a relationship, than yes, I can be a happy person due to my own efforts.
How I feel now is like that moment. How I felt four or so months ago is exactly the same. Being in love didn’t inherently make me feel like that, nor does being in a relationship for that matter. There are so many things working for me in my life, that it is not hard to be full of righteous joy. All the same, its so easy to get sucked into my depression or anxiety. And yet…here I am, existing as a whole person.
It’s hard to envision what you want rather than just appreciating what you had.
Finally, I have a vision of what I want on a timeline, and everyone that isn’t me looking REAL temporary. That doesn’t mean cutting people off, it is a clear allegiance to getting where I want to be regardless of the physical support. That’s my adult life as I know it. That’s the mentality of overcoming this matrix. Big lesbian dreams more often than not encompass a partner within the lifestyle. The #domestic part of me wants that always. However, the person I am right now is incapable of prioritizing lack of growth in other over my will of life changes and exploration.
Naming and affirming that I know exactly what I want and have a timeline, helped me process my feelings post breakup. Feelings of missing someone and feelings of a broken heart versus a strong sense of acceptance and desire to move forward. Being able to process grief and loss as well as live your best fucking life and get your needs met?? The ultimate flex.
Would you ever get back together with an ex?
Eternal mood: Gucci Mane - I’m Too Much
This is a scenario I have imagined more than once. It depends. If we can both admit our faults and be committed to building a strong relationship of accountability of the past, present, and future then yes.
Now the tea is, you know your ex is too emotionally goofy to get on that level AND that if y’all could do that in the first place you wouldn’t be broken up!!! I’m a masculine, stubborn, fixed air sign ass bitch; I have 13 air placements in my chart. Is it not in my nature to be ‘over emotional’, pro self castration, and to put my heart on a slab. Your babythug can do it in their own way, and I did. In that experience I learned again that regardless of intention, you don’t get everything that you want. For the second time I have reached out to exes over time, questioning will to align, I have been let down. And when prompted with hope, in person, I have been berated with insults both times, not vunerability or love. With my social anxiety, my biggest fear is on the spectrum of embarrassment and unrequited emotion. Realistically, I get over that by jumping into the cut by being vulnerable instead. In the worst instances like these I get my feelings hurt. I cry, and then I move on.
I did this months ago. Let it go. Let it come back. Explored it. Cut it off. I must not have truly been over it if I went back? No. I had to put all the leftover hope, trust, love, and petty dignity I had on the line to make sure.This experience could be predicted off of compatibility alone, but aquarius is hope personified. If there’s one thing I love about falling in love, it’s the mutual dedication to hope and trust in another person. When it’s gone it’s gone. My least favorite ex’s favorite quote was “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”. It’s fuck them all day! but this is a quote that has stuck with me for a long time. I reflect on it when I don’t have negative or violent reactions to tension or issues. This sentiment is more second nature than it is an unobtainable ideal.
You can’t have romantic relationships with exes when they aren’t ready to grow. They will always have this grudge against you, and you won’t be able to heal together.
On dating apps you often see people seeking “emotionally available” and “have your shit together” and that doesn’t translate here. The mirage of put-togetherness I have seen across ages and lifestyles is amazing. It has proven to me age expectations mean nothing, despite the belief the older the wiser. Emotional intelligence and maturity is so relative and objective. I actually cannot fully invest in quick happily convenient Lesbian courtships…although, I pride their relevance in our culture and have been about that life, and love it.
The lesson here is like Solange said, to protect ya magic. This is a message that has evolved in meaning for me a few times. To protect my abilities? My truth? I have come to learn that for me right now, it means being less vulnerable. That means not being so quick to jump into my life story, to hold space for the trauma of others, or envisioning the journey of another. All of these require consent and a base of relationship boundaries. Ones that we all accept but seldom talk about and decipher. I need that consent conversation because I fall in love so easily. Often? Hell no, but easily when I catch the attraction. That consent is a base of trust and understanding I’m not willing to go without. How it affirms me is how it protects me. Protects me from leeches and the immature; the vulnerable to absorbing my life force or internalizing it to their demise.
I want my cake, and I’ll eat it alone too. My walls are rightfully high and my boundaries visibly clear. I don’t believe is kissing a lot of frogs. I believe in only investing in those seeking the same relationships as you: not based in absorption, sacrifice, or traditional cis/het dimensions.
I want the extreme farmer lesbian dream, but I’ll be okay farming myself too. Apart of me exploring non monogamy, specifically not in serious relationships, is the mental exercise of planning my future alongside the orbit of others. My temporary encounters remind me of the value of the intimacy and soul exploration that I miss. alongside the passion and performance of uncommitted rendezvous as well.
Life is so fun and unpredictable. THOT thriving surrounded by a circle of friends I trust, is my power move. Moving forward whilst recognizing my faults and unlearning my violence is my mood. I wish I could say I’m looking to still be swept off my feet and amazed by some strapping young person, but I’m not. I’m not looking, I’m moving, dreaming of a match to my energy whether that be an object, event, place, food, friend, lover, or another dream. I’m so in tune with what’s around me and yet still feel like life is passing me by and there is more.
So we still out here…
It’s not this troubled relationship that again has awoken alignment with my spirit. Its not ~Black girl magic~, Disability, or mental illness. This is another facet of myself I’ve only recently connected to after months of serious astrology study. Not in search of personality or reason. Astrology has affirmed so much of what I know has nature rather than trauma.
1. One of my favorite quotes this year was about ‘how many Black women readily identified as crazy before Black Feminist Theory and the Combahee River Collective’. Its the language, history, a stigma that is that foundation. Intersectionality is cute but most people do not know what it means or how to use it. Related to that, most importantly in this year I have politicized that Blackness AFAB socialized experience to the point of no going back.
2. This year + a full chart reading again revealed a karmic lesson of knowing. Not book knowledge. Not quite critical thinking. I have many interests and intelligences that do not translate into a lifestyle. My lifestyle has changed in so many different ways that I have no preference for a certain type. What is secure is my mental health because of that knowing and awareness of the energy all around me and how and why I interact with it.
The comical observation of my wellness journey is its stigmatization with my past trauma, as if one is necessary for the other.
My 2017 obsession was [self] righteousness, self love, and preservation. Almost fully defensive and nurturing to self.
My 2018 was identical, but with more independent self work alongside the same lessons with less life altering extremes.
My 2019 is still be about karmic lessons and whether I’ve fully learned them and am ready to claim my stake to my power alone.
This post exists for me = my path into words.
As usual, the possibilities are endless, my ass is fat, and I want another dog + cat❣