This has been a long and trying month. I personally have gone through so many mental loops of how I show up in the world in conjunction with my values.
Writing is my most cathartic, therapeutic process. And after my recent emotional outbursts in confidence I knew I needed to compartmentalize my thoughts in text. I’ve been so focused on being the most obvious obstacle in my life, but after meeting someone who is also empathic, I realized my overdue expression could be calculated =with few outlets, low capacity. I wanted to share this as an ode to Woptober, all that I have learned, the blessings I have came across, and the struggles I have conquered.
I am constantly evolving. And at this point of my journey, I am clear on who I was. I am hyper critical of who I am. And I am still piecing together who I want to be. For me, focusing on identity is a celebration, as well as a consistent critique of my roots, of my culture.
Increasingly gaining access to new spaces + meeting so many people that share many of my identities, my conclusions are that, again, I am being to hyper critical of myself. I have moved away from perfectionism. But, a also am SO keen on not being a narcissist.
The balance of raising yourself to adulthood and the will to keep evolving is not easy.
I need to interrogate others more because identity does not equal experience. And after the shitty Disability Intersectionality Summitt especially, I have been less open to establishing solidarity with others.
*In a forthcoming post, I will talk about the bullshit I have encountered in Chicago when it comes to gatekeeping, faux solidarity, and people that do not share my identities, yet somehow stand in solidarity with our struggle, trying to regulate what I can and cannot do, what I should and should not say, what my politic and action should be.
I am so aware of how each of my identities affects me everyday, in a special, intersectional way. Trying to understand them in a vacuum, one dimensionally is purely dismissive. ME trying to understand myself in segments rather than as a whole is literally violent. I can’t help but exist as a BLACK, [Dis]abled, Queer, non binary bad bitch.
Being this critical means being approachable + present is hard. Or maybe it’s just me…Being a specific person not all are the most open to receive is one thing, but being righteous and having steadfast values is another. My mind is vast, and endless opportunities, but my work is small, and keeps getting smaller.
As a single bitch, with no romantic devotion to anyone at this point, it feels good. It feels really good to be able to have the mental space to process my transitions in Chicago physically and mentally by myself.
Ofc moving is stressful, but to take it in alone is the transformative process. The time you decide who you are going to be. I’ve been in Chicago almost a year, and only now do I feel like I have a choice. I have the choice to continue to invest in America, and more importantly, I have the choice to think beyond as well as within this political moment and these borders to focus on the Hesna that exists right now, and what she wants regardless of the agendas of others.
That is exciting! I am excited. But am also worn out trying to figure out this social scene.
My vision in this realm is so blurry. The vision for yourself is a hard one many in their 20s like me struggle with, and still don’t clearly figure out until later in life. Who knows. But to have that vision you need support, you need a base, you need a mode to hold you accountable.
This is the most stressing contributor to my depression right now. In 2017, my life lesson was that not only do I deserve to thrive in this lifetime, but that I cannot live in a state of fear of making the same life threatening mistakes. And that fear was based in guilt of the relationships that sustained me in my healing.
What I see now is that the people that held me down in that time are still the shit, and that’s a platonic love I can never forget. I have been a loyal and loving friend before I was ever in crisis. And I’ve learned that those that met me in my transitory healing process, are not the same as the friends that have seen me at my worst. They have just heard about it. I am clear in expressing how to support me and I have been clear documenting feeling socially isolated. I want to save my energy…
Other than blaming myself, I feel so isolated and unsupported because I rarely make many friends. I’ve always has a clique. Everywhere I go I make a friend, but the easy part for me is acquaintanceship. That type of relationship is based in few expectations, minimal trust, and usually in my case, unequal self interest. Acquaintances may be long standing relationships, but are often temporary = they die or they grow.
So what is the solution?
I make a relationship with the intention of it being reciprocal in respect and values, as well as long term. I’ve been so invested and critical in myself and my small circle. My judgement is that it’s not helping me grow and it’s barely sustaining me right now. But, rather than the easy way out that I have used most consistently, which is a good #blocked… I’m focusing on creating capacity and extroversion to find something new.
What I want
Is to make new, lasting, relationships of all limits and levels. And, I’m not going to put a boundary on that. I’ve been asking myself for months what polyness can look like. Every relationship is different, and my connection with people is what reminds me that I am live. In my #healthy life balance I keep my tight circle and will actively include pursuit of people to include. To love and be loved, to support and be supported sounds like the most simplistic ideal I know.
My anxiety is what controls my life most right now. It’s been my PTSD to an ever lesser extent, and even my depression is becoming more visible and draining again. My anxiety keeps me in my house more often than I would like. My anxiety stresses me out so much I’m counting the second till I can isolate myself. The easiest counter to that stress is someone else’s presence, and that’s not sustainable or complementary to my depression. *My anxiety literally holds me hostage, and the film God Knows Where I Am (2016) has an accurate lense of how strong anxiety can be -#GodKnowsWhereIAm
*Asociality refers to the lack of motivation to engage in social interaction, or a preference for solitary activities.
Developmental psychologists use the synonyms nonsocial, unsocial, and social uninterest. Asociality is distinct from but not mutually exclusive to anti-social behaviour, in which the latter implies an active misanthropy or antagonism toward other people or the general social order. A degree of asociality is routinely observed in introverts, while extreme asociality is observed in people with a variety of clinical conditions.
I read myself because few people have the audacity to read me, and address my shortcomings. Rightfully so because I am so critical of oppressive language…And still, some of my close favs do hold me accountable. Because my loves have seen me come so far, I reckon it’s hard for them to imagine pushing me further, and my anxiety also shares that sentiment. We are all uneasy about growth, but unmedicated, untreated, at no fault of my own, means that I have to be that realistic world measure of my dis[abilities] and societal oppression vs individual will.
Part of reading yourself is acknowledging your strength. After someone connected to my abusive ex followed my socials, I had a momentary freakout. Not whether they would find me, but if I had the strength to resist and have learned my lesson. Simultaneously in the time I’ve had busting my ass organizing for the past month, I have finally been able to put my power into words. In talking relationships, I holistically processed for the first time the impact I have had on my romantic partners and not the impact they have had on me.
I make an impact, people remember me. I’ve noticed since elementary school with teachers, that I am not often forgotten, whether in appearance, action, or words. In having some capacity of relationship with most of my partners, I have learned this is the same. After relationships with me one sees the world differently in their potential and [in opposition] their oppression. I make people see where they are in life. When my romantic relationships end, ex partners decide who they want to be. Not based in their next romantic pursuits, but in how they too want to show up in the world, which means they often have major life changes following our bond. To me, this impact sounds magikal and reveals a purpose, a strength I have to lead others.
*This works both ways as in if the person didn’t know they were an ableist asshole, they leaned that anti ableism is a strong sentiment and people like me hate people like them.
Aloud it sounds ridiculous, but from the experiences of these exes it is true and beyond coincidence. AFAB Black women are socialized to be so caring and inhumane, to take on the weight of the worlds problems, and lead everyone to liberation. So what’s the truth?? This may be my impact, but does it benefit me? How does it benefit me?
This is a new revelation, but one that builds upon observations I have had for years now. Impact in important, as well as next steps. And maybe that’s why I see the deep relationships I have formed all the way through, to when they no longer serve both of us. Being a lover rather than a fighter, is not excuse for me to still have relationships that drain more than fulfill me. I can seemingly fulfill others in ways that are easy to me, but to have my needs met and energies reciprocated is another thing. I’ve been working on keeping myself accountable to that since last year. On the romantic level I have stayed strong, but on the friend level I ave wavered.
SO what is my vision?:
What keeps me grounded is knowing that I am not the only person living this life that seems endlessly impossible to live. I wish I knew more people like me, and it seems the harder I look for us, the more isolated and discouraged I feel. Patience is a virtue I do not have, but I am adamant about letting go, and not allowing the fear of an unknown to control my life.
I am going to balance out my energies because I cannot grow holistically in my current state. I am going to commit myself to finding a community in Chicago outside of organizing. I am going to create meaningful friendships and partnerships that aren’t based solely my immediate needs, or what I can give them in the long run. I value loyalty and will not give up on my loved ones that have been consistent to showing up for me.
Once my lease is up I’ll be in a new area of Chicago, starting all over again. Beyond physical preparedness for the revolution.tm, I will focus on capacity for cultivation of myself, and only myself. Once I figure out a structure of relationships that supports me, regardless of traditional medical treatment, my financial state, or geographic location, I will know peace. Peace in order to evolve and/or reveal my next the next level of my greatness.
I love these photos because imo, they show an INDISPUTABLE,evolving, beauty