Many of us have some story, some trauma related to the holiday season - the season where white people have set a tone of brutality and genocide masked with selflessness and community in America. This is reflected in special dinners where we dress up, eat till we are sick, exchange monetary based gifts that are to reflect our love for each other, and overall invest in a mask of positivity, service, and the myth of a white savior who died for our sins… rather than a 6lack Palestinian refugee who lived amongst the poor.
This year my Thanksgiving was spent with someone I’ve known less than a year, but means the world to me and is by supreme balancing force. I mostly forgot about Thanksgiving this year, I literally only knew from my calendar. But the instagram pics to passing conversations, made it come alive. That’s depressing for me. You think about your loneliness, you think about your second suicide attempt, you think about having to do the same process next year and hope it gets better.
Thanksgiving used to be a thing: a time where I’d be forced to be around people I hated and had zero interest interacting with. Make an appearance, two plates, and disappear.
Thanksgiving then became meaningless: a time when I was the most on edge in my life. In violent arguments I would drive to Baltimore, no matter how far to find some unsuspecting place where no one would intervene in an attempt to give up on myself.
Thanksgiving is now but a placeholder. it isn’t super emotional for me, but it is important I am surrounded with love and/or friend family. This holiday is not holding space for my trauma or of my mom, but for December and Christmas Time, aka my favorite holiday movies and excessive amounts of chocolate [hint*dark chocolate and peppermint chocolate are my favs]. And most importantly, a symbol of an upcoming new year of possibilities.
November has gone by so fast! This time last year I was a broke bih hustlin in ATL, in a new relationship, and had changed my name. The most fun in changing my name has been having others accept it and not question it. Changing my name is probably my biggest accomplishment of 2017. That was a major year of healing, bullshit, lesbian luv, fake ass friends, coming into my power, and finding my calling.
The only reason why I wanted to write was because I am so excited for 2019. As @HeyFranHey would say, I’m thankful in advance. I wanted to give myself the time and space before the end of december to reflect on this year. 2017 felt like the longest year of my life, going from DC, HTX, ATL, and starting the new year in Chicago. It is so hard to imagine I’ve dedicated myself to a year here now. I have mentioned before how it’s so hard to set a future for yourself when you didn’t see one for such a long time, and gave up on the ideal. When getting through a day, to a week, to a month were major goals. Being committed to living in this city for a finite amount of time is a major accomplishment. Moving here with someone, breaking up, and still holding it down has been a test as well.