somewhere inbetween the 99 and the 2000s

2019 Theme: Anti-Matrix

Last year, these were my 25 resolutions.

They were both conceptual, as well as finite. I made 2017 a great year,so I set high expectations for 2018. Summed up standout themes: divine timing, relaxation, protection, communication, anxiety, ambition, celebration, and and passion. I did not meet all of them. My resolutions were also about themes to be conscious of and to invest in. YONCE SAID MY SUCCESS CAINT BE QUANTIFIED SO FUCK THAT. But! To break whatever social media persona may exist of my life being perfect or me pretending to be, I’m only going to share the goals I set for myself that I abandoned,as well as struggled with, that are measurable.

1. Stop talking about exes even more

The first one I’m uneasy about. A lesson I have only come to understand in writing this post for the past few hours, is how essential it is for me to disclose in matters of intimacy. This is something I have had to think through in the past few dates I have been on. It’s not that I bring this plague into convos, others do~. People regularly talk about their exes and its not always based in some morbid emotional trauma. Sometimes, its a good story, a defining moment in your life, a close connection you still have with someone, etc. In one of my last posts I talked about how that is okay. While my anxiety and fueled projections of others has lead me to believe this is only unhealthy, for me, it’s just annoying. When I’m #present and someone profiles their ex in full form, I know that even if I wasn’t focused on solely me in a long term intentional capacity, I’d want to interact with them less because that’s more than being maybe fresh out of some closure.

2. Make promises you can and will keep 

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This is unfortunate. I made promitheses [did you laugh?] I could not keep in a relationship and it led to its fruitful demise. While the promises were intentional, I don’t think I tried my best to fully execute them.

3. Pray weekly 

I have established my habits of praying in celebration, for others, and in need, but I haven’t been doing this as often as I aimed to. Try again ho.

4. Play sports again 

Unfortunately both sports I’m interested in playing have teams too far and too monolithically cis hwite and male for me

5. Get published ! + 6. Master pitching your work + 7. Work on oration 

[LEAVE AS MANY WESTERN CONSTRUCTS -LIKE THE SOLE ESSENTIAL VALUE OF SCRIPT- AS POSSIBLE]

I’ve been quoted more than ever is newspapers and online articles. I have been published in academic publications, even archived in a library! BUT have not tried to published my own work formally since 2017. Sounds gross, I know. This is in part due to my growth ofc, as my writing has grown so much stronger, and I have focused on my medium of the creative non fiction essay. I have studied and imagined my current audience and future audience, and have played around in content matter and presentation. 2018 allowed me the space to get that down. ‘Master’ is a strong word [I used to make my sole cis/het boyfriend call me. it lmao shh], that wasn’t a realistic or well thought out goal in measure. I am now comfortable with talking about this work and my vision for this, but not as a brand, or to be consumed by the masses. That’s the disconnect of what I want for this platform, and what is possible in the capitalist + academic world. I must dream beyond those bounds as well as apply myself to figure it out.

On oration, I have worked on it intentionally more than ever, but to those brackets, I have not distanced myself from script enough. In this journey I have declared a written voice with no guided script, but can only rely on that same type of confidence on what I am passionate about and familiar with. Reading that back sounds structurally obvious, but that’s the difference in oration and oral tradition in the context of the cultural impact. I’m not talking about speeches, and have confused my efforts into that on the spot courage and formats. I’m talking about stories handed down, my own storytelling, first person narratives, cultural knowledge to be shared beyond question and answer formats. I’m not quite sure how to work on this besides continuing in my polymath ness. Perhaps with more detail oriented focus on my interest




In no particular order:

screams in gucci mane*

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  1. Live my best non monogamous > poly life [why should I give one person my power to break my heart?

  2. [Revamped] Intentionally reflect weekly through writing, whether public or private.

  3. Pick up a new side hustle

  4. Again! make promises you can and will keep

  5. Travel domestically and internationally [non work related]

  6. Focus on ancestral and past loved ones spiritual connections bi monthly

  7. Set more long term goals

  8. Invest more in cbd

  9. [Half ass resolution] Figure out some sort of exercise routine [obv for the revolution nigga (I guess)]

  10. Trust people wholly

  11. Pick up some less political hobbies :)

  12. Take shooting courses

  13. Rethink-rework your empathy

Honorable mention: Keep out toxic irrelevant hoes 2k19

I didn’t make this a resolution because my guard is actually extremely strong, so much so that I have been recently confronted with how high and thicc it stands. Without knowing me, it’s impossible to melt all my layers together, although that is exactly how I see myself, as fully together at all times. My guard seems impenetrable because I let so few close to seeing my core and full vulnerability. Rightfully motherfuckingly so. But, it does me a disservice now, so much so that my social life is so random but overall sucks where I live, definitely because of how [redacted] it is too. I’d go so far to say that I “healed” myself to this point by insulating myself with real niggas and friends that love me. Being so far from my friends for so long, with my independence and workaholic tendencies, its tough to keep up a balance that makes me happy.

I’ve talked all year about how I‘ve been working through that, and for the past few months, how that’s going to work. My continued exposure and effort into new social opportunities. My focus remains on who I want to be in my life, not excluding those that want to be, or at least try.

Next post:

NIGGAS GOTTA GO: Revisiting the MOVE move