spiraling

We survive and we thrive, but cannot do both at the same time.

I am disillusioned. On one hand, I have came so far from where I was last year.

I had some major goals accomplished:

I presented my experience and research at a conference. 

I had a job working for a non profit, which was what I thought was the most ideal job ever.

I was on a path of re self discovery in the face of adversity. This was heavily on my own from losing so many dear to me. More importantly, I grew closer with those that stood by me, and those I met along the way. This was a time in life where I thought I was kinda peaking. I thought the only thing I had to fear was fear itself. Now I look back and laugh because I know how much better life can be.

I now live knowing there is nothing to be feared, only experienced and learned from. Life keeps moving as long as a choose it to.

I LIVE, with guidance based off of personal aspirations and goals, but I do not limit myself, or allow myself to be limited by societal barriers.

 
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But enough about me, what about the world?

I've been having a buildup of plain rage and frustration with all that is around me. And in an intersectional way! White people nonsense is the most visible stressor I come into contact with everyday. Sexism, regardless of race is consistently hindering my voice from being heard in conversation, and my time to be distorted and wasted. Homophobia is dismissing each seemingly great person I meet because they just think past SEX SEX SEX. Ableism-disablism is the most common and easy trope people still stuck in the matrix tiers cannot let go because it is the easiest, and arguable the first form of discrimination to others. When all words are lost, attacking mental health is the go to, and everyone thinks they're a fucking doctor, or on an emotional level, experience what you do.

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All I can wonder is how impactful my work can be when there's so many people tainted with these beliefs. We are all problematic one way or another to someone. Does that  mean we all have a place in the movement.tm, or that we simply don't. As of now, I feel everyone clearly does not. But as all great leaders eventually conclude- like Malcolm X [a personal problematic fav], inclusion is what gets things rolling, solidarity is what brings power to all people.  It is not my job to dismantle white egoes, educate white people, and those that fall under all the isms and ists. But my job and preference is to bring about radical, intersectional, social change, however that maybe. To be continued...

A major influence in moving from D.C. was the changing political climate of blatant white supremacy. Moving around so much, I have come to understand and respect the 'privilege' of being in blue territories, of being on the east coast. There's expectations of not being racist [blatantly];it's not cool to be racist, it's not cool to only have white friends, it's not cool to be uncultured as fuck.

The type of environment that creates is maybe one where POC feel more safe in everyday life, as well on paper. A place where segregation across any line is not as literally black and white. This is a place where racism isn't as obvious as we learn to have spotted it watching 60s newsreels on the civil right movement. 

In other places, not so neoliberal, and more gun toting, more monolithically white, racism is blatant. Actually, all the bigotry you can think of is pretty visible, all of these isms exist, but their visibility is so geographically diverse. 

Now regardless of location however, it is cool to be a little more #cultured, or better yet appropriative- to not give up one's notions of white supremacy and entitlement, yet reap the cultural capital. marginalized people

For example, It's cool to maybe, maybe not have a confederate flag, but still listen to Migos and attempt to twerk. It's interesting. 

These instances of contradiction is white culture. From Baltimore, D.C., Atlanta, Houston, and Chicago, I have seen that all these nuances are attributed to white culture and white supremacy.

 

White supremacy is not at all limited to white people.

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White supremacy doesn't just look like swatsikas or KKK hoods. It looks like 'freedom of speech' shrouded as letting white people share their violent and bigoted views witout filter and without fear of repercussions.  With that, that means having to in any area have to be suceptible to white bullshit - campuses, news media, social media, etc. 

White supremacy is white people attempting to speak on or regulate how Black people talk about our problems, organize our communities, even value our culture. 

White supremacy is pleading ignorance to the problems of POC. It's expecting to be educated on our issues, by us. Expecting us to do the emotional labour. Expecting us to share our trauma for one to understand basic history of the world, of the U.S., the effects of white nonsense. There is no solidarity.

White supremacy is me having to go to any Black liberation centered event and expecting to hear a white voice claimign ignorance, telling me to support the 'good' white people, expecting me to follow their actions towards my own liberation, to tell me to submit to these cenury old bullshit systems of oppression.

What has changed?

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We have these ~laws~, civil rights protections, we can vote, marry, own shit, sue. We can also be executed in public, on tape, with no trial, and no justice. Society tells and shows us time and time again the value of a black body-chokeholds, 15 shots, nooses, etc. We have a whole ass white supremacist presidential administration at this very moment, at the fault of white voters. There is no solidarity.

In D.C., each random policy decision that suddenly took away you, or someone you know's rights, you could feel in the air. Everything is hyperreal in D.C. to the point I had to go. And in leaving such a hyper political space, I've gotten to be outside of myself more. False. I am Black 100% of time, a lesbian, femme, gnc, [dis]abled as fuck, all of it. Being my whole self means I think and act intersectionality, never in a singular vacuum. And in moving I have seen how horrible America is right now, from racist bigots, ~well to do~ useless unmobilized white people, unmobilized marginalized people, and sadly, not in solidarity POC clinging to their proximity to whiteness.

Everything is a mess. And in making the personal political and the political personal + having impactful political work, I see this everyday. There is resistance, but your elected officials are actually doing nothing. There are people operating in the name of solidarity, but aren't willing to change themselves and investigate their anti blackness to dismantle white supremacy. There are POC leaders in our communities, but they are homophobic, anti black, and don't value the words of women.


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Things aren't perfect, and I don't see them ever being that way. But we can push.

But, have you reflected on your contribution to humanity?

 

 

How inclusive and exclusionary are you being?

Do you have a place in this social justice movement that addresses capitalism, racism, the environment, mental health-wellness, consumption, war, and morality? If you can't face your proximity to whiteness and white supremacy [however close or far that may be]?

Do you see how each of these causes are interconnected?

Do you see how society has conditioned you to not question and address that?


In 2018, it is impossible to say as a white person that racism does not exist, that you are unaware of racism, that you do not benefit from racism.

In 2018, it is impossible to say as a person of color that racism does not exist, that you are unaware of racism, that you are not affected by racism.

Where Are You Growing?: long reflections

Where Are You Growing?: long reflections

can you lose in formation?

can you lose in formation?