What does hope look like for you?
New spaces for conversation. New spaces to explore geographically. New ways of life to declare.
What keeps you striving in this world?
To be a better me. Organizing notions of community. Progressing with societal and community needs. Alleviating cycles of harm. Pushing the limits of today [whatever they are].
Stagnancy is death. Lack of activity, lack of conflict, lack of transformation.
Once we stop striving for a better anything, we lose. Perfection does not exist, but our pursuit of a better world is fathomable, and infinite.
I wanna be a self sustained bad bitch. I've realized over and over it's about what I do, not who I am. Better yet, it's what I do that defines who I am, just as much as I do.
'Bad bitch' is just a nomenclature of what success looks like for many people, especially women. Its attraction as a term comes from self proclamation, as well as how other people describe one. It doesn't have to be either or.
I'm a self critiquing bad bitch , and constantly go back and forth critiquing my authenticity, and my projections. I'm my judge, jury, and executioner, and I know that's not fair, but play into it.
The only way I combat it and keep myself in reality, is by consistently reminding myself that I am not perfect. I'm just barely grounded when it comes to how I live and love, but I try to keep in check and be present.
Staying in check with reality; reminding oneself of humanity, limits, and pitfalls, is not just about remembering your personal short comings or your rock bottom. It is also remembering all the amazing things you've done for yourself and others. It's looking up to your historical and modern favs holistically, and not holding them to a problematic, impossible, pedestal that functions beyond human conditions as well.
Where I still struggle is with intimacy and trust.
Will to be human. Being in capitalist relationship with others for goods and services, emotional labor. To have to be in emotional relationship with others in romantic love and friendship love.
To know that you can never be alone, and must always be in responsibility to someone is draining. For me, trying to navigate taking care of myself is enough.
But, to my dismay, that's the better life. The life where I have people to rely on and where I can be the go to person that others can rely on. Being empathetic is my highest ideal in self practice and reciprocity. Honestly, I feel that this uneven labor of love I've sustained so long has came to an end. I don't pour love and attention that is not reciprocated or consistent. That depth of trust is not measured in frequency of communication.
I've navigated through many hard situations, and while not everyone helped, I never got through anything completely alone. The truth is, I couldn't have gotten through the hardships of my life alone. On one hand, my oldest friends, professors, mentors, ex lovers, acquaintances, and classmates have gotten me though the hardest times. But strangers with smiles and patience, doctors, therapists, school administrators, etc had stake too. I'm beyond trying to count on one hand how many times I've asked for help. I pay attention to the love sent to me each day, whether a retweet or a careful text. I multiply that energy and bring it into the world through my actions, and through my work.
I can't say my current struggles aren't temporary, but I know there's behaviors I want to rid myself of, and new levels of confidence to be achieved. Self improvement is one hell of a driving goal in life. But not in measure of a job, degree, or even a child to ~keep your legacy alive~. I thought I was thriving before, but I'm just now getting into being present in my greatness, my progress, and my efforts in life. Yes, that's something to recognize and be proud at for yourself. Being paid more, having insurance, is cool, but being in harmony with yourself, your goals, and stake in the world is even more rewarding.
I'm not willing the give up on society, myself, or you. So, I do what I must to sustain my spirit.