somewhere inbetween the 99 and the 2000s

issa weeklong pt 1

day 1 - listen to Love Drought as if it's addressed to yourself

When asked why I was at this training [moreso what is your weakness] I said self doubt. 

I was challenged on my s̶t̶a̶g̶n̶a̶n̶c̶y̶, my complacency.  I preach about stagnancy being death; I never want to stop growing or challenging myself, because that's the day I stop improving. But I'm not stagnant right now. Actually, I'm thriving. In all facets of life, shit is not only getting better, I am being exposed and elevated to new platforms.

This is simply because:

1. I am that bitch

2. My hard work

3. My growing visibility 

My complacency, my 'okayness' lies with not fully accepting my statements from above. 

 

Yall know I talk about radical self love, and yes, I do radically love myself.But, do i believe in myself to be all that i want to be? Yes and no.

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I a conceptual way yes, I envision it, I know the steps to get there, my end goal is clear. In reality whilst still live in fear of being broken down, like i have been in the past by bitch-ass hater-ass-abusers. That includes abuse from the state and other life facts absolutely not in my control. No amount of radical self love will save you from the shit storm of anxiety depression and ptsd either. It won't save you as in motivate you towards life or push you to drown in death; there's a multitude of factors that determine that.

 
There is a sort of stagnation in my soul. I am not disappointed, I am not tired, I am not depressed, but simply everything has suddenly become less interesting. I must do something to rouse myself.
— Anton Chekhov, from a diary entry written c. November 1888

Depression is being stuck in the past, and anxiety is fear of the future.

These conditions are ones intertwined with my identity as a [dis]abled person. But how you think, how your brain works, is not wholly congruent with how you act. There are endless factors! In the public realm I am outspoken,  ambitious, fierce, and clear. I am not shy about my intelligences or experiences and always speak truth to power. I try my best to not let my ways of thinking control my life, but they are limiting.

The trainer reminded us the difference between us and our oppressors, our conditioned doubts and fears limit us from power in society.

As I told the trainer, "confidence is attractive" I acknowledged my current process of stepping into my power:

The high self esteem is there, the political analysis is there, and the work is archived as well as continually developing. Most importantly, the radical self love is there. 

So what do I need to do beyond loving myself?

I must trust myself. 

I must push myself.

I trusted in the process of healing myself from past trauma. I trusted in my instinct above opinions and ignorances of others.

But do I trust in myself to meet my goals? No really. Do I trust in concrete goals/ tasks I want to achieve? I can't say for sure.

I tell myself shit just happens, everything just works out. Nothing happens in a vacuum. Because of me. ME. Just me. Is life doing great right now. I need to understand that in order to grow into my power. A bad bitch knows. But must she boast? It's almost as if 100% positive energy is unobtainable for me.

I think my core issue is no longer allowing myself to feel in general, it's allowing myself to feel powerful. Allowing for no hypervilligence or critique in fear of vanity or self absorption is necessary. I'm afraid to feel good, to feel at peace, because it has been a foreign feeling in my life since high school.  

In a world that is not black and white,  I MUST exist outside of the spectrum of emotion I have lived in, in my adult life. That adult life start with my mom's suicide. Sometimes we only know trauma, and we cannot get out of that thinking. I've been working though more recent trauma for a long time, two years, and thought I was done with it.

Perhaps this last stage in accepting this trauma is accepting abuser logic as lies built upon nothing but power dynamics. I would tell anyone that in a heartbeat, but do I believe it for my wellbeing?

When you believe your life matters, is worth living, and is purely destined for self righteous, self made, glory that you no longer doubt. Imposter syndrome implies I'm a fraud, as are my achievements, and goals. But within the small circle of visible [Dis]abled Black nonbinary femmes I look towards for community, no one is doing it quite like me in the slightest. I've known for awhile that I am in competition with no one except myself.

So why can't I get over it, and what's the next move?

What validation do I need?

Do I need more instances of success to believe in myself?

Am I looking to only thrive in times of struggle?