So how's my ‘healing’ going? It's not really going. I momentarily process when I can, but certainly not consistently. This process is a learning curve of how I choose to show up in the world and receive what happens, and how I choose to accept those around me.
I started writing this post a month ago, but the thought of my Cross Cuntry Lesbian Observations has existed for years now. I’ve learned so much from lesbians in the past few years about our culture. That journey started with my growth, and this is where I am:
The peace part comes in accepting that and moving forward. Rather than going through the mental loops, and continually seeking out opinions, you live your truth and figure out the rest.
The fear part has been cyclical. I do not live in fear, I combat it with action. Right now my fear lies with the uncertainty of my future. People see my power now and always ask what my weakness is. My struggle for the past few years has been envisioning a future for myself that is not limited to location or past traumas. I want to envision my future because I dreamt it, not because I recognize any limit put upon me.
My comfort, my solace, lies in knowing who I am and that I have the power to do whatever I want. I believe in myself that much.
What did you learn about yourself?:
What have I learned moving and traveling all around and making relationships of all levels through the journey is who I am and how I grow.
I am a beautiful person, inside and out.
For me, forming relationships is what proves our humanity. Being social makes me feel alive. It reminds me that I am capable of love of all levels, and allows me to exert the love I have within me.
I’ve learned that I’m not an anti social person. I remember when someone first called me that, I was so heartbroken. To me, that statement meant that I wasn’t human. That I had no interest in literally relating to other people. Also, that I was incapable of it.
My transitions since being out of the Matrix since 2016 allowed me the language, the realization, that I am that bitch. A complicated bitch. A polymath. Someone with an opinion. Someone who is animated and self righteous. I used to think I had to fit in boxes of perfection for those I was attracted to on any level. And for those people I have sustained relationships with, I see my imperfection as ideal. A reflection of my personality and experiences, my defense mechanisms, and my communication style.
It's really interesting because you know kind of been in crisis the past 5 years and a lot of people that have grown without me. Many also remain stagnant and miserable. In my last relationship, that’s barely over, I felt honest and comfortable and saying that I continue to focus on my well-being and my goals. I’m not done figuring out what my path is, but I am beyond done waiting to find someone to match that energy and/or be able to respect it. I’ve understood for a long time that people can love each other and not pursue a relationship. People can love each other and not be able to be in a relationship with each other. There are literally infinite reasons for this, and I’m not focused on any of them. Just me, and that’s okay.
I know that it took a really long time for me to see the behaviors I’ve learned from being in an abusive relationship. Also, from ain’t shit people that literally have no positive input to my life. I don’t want relationships that were that mimic ones that I've been in before. Part of that diversity is the cisgender, heterosexual, monogamous way I’ve been going about relationships.
-To have an exclusive monogamous partnership with someone as the end goal
-To expect our worlds to collide and priorities to be wholly the same
-To expect anyone to encompass the needs,wants, and desires of one person
-To expect perfection in myself or someone else
I politicize everything in my life because I feel like we don’t spend enough time uncovering the sources of our oppression and our trauma. I don’t have the access or resources to address textbook healing, but I did it as long as I could. It’s inaccurate. I live my best life, I am clear on my goals, and I’m on a mission to figure out how to best organize my life with what I got.
I really have gotten more into certain aspects of queer culture and really seeing the unwritten parts that must be experiences. I’m understanding Queer thinking beyond theory and beyond myself. I’m understanding it as a framework of organizing and a framework of seeing love and labor. It’s beyond gender and sex.
I’ve seen how my Lesbian community is diverse and is not based in capital ‘Q’ Queer culture.
Lesbianism is Queer and Lesbians have varying degrees to their queerness. Many want to reflect cis/het/monog relationships only witch a change to body parts or gender.
-Lighter skin + racial ambiguity gives one the most power in our world. The organizer social justice definition is organized people and organized money. Think of visiblity of support. How many powerful light skint, racially ambiguous Lesbians do you know? How many powerless Black, dark skin, femmes and studs do you know? I can’t name a mainstream Queer space advertising visible love and support to people that look like me
-I’ve seen how my darker skin has made it especially hard to navigate sex and relationships. Just like gay men, our community is superficial and pretentious when it comes to body type and skin color. Dating and having sex as a skinny light skin person is easy, as a femme or a stud.
-Dark skin people become measurements of light skin Black people and Biracial peoples’ Blackness. In my experiences, my features, my skin color, have been what literally attracted people to me for them to get closer, or to affirm, their Blackness.
-Skinny people have been attracted to me only to eventually try to police my weight and eating habits. This is because thicc as in fat people are proposed to be easier to obtain.
-Strap is life but doesn’t have to be
-We are independent sexual beings!! Lesbians can separate feelings and sex, but we often don’t. We form relationships where they gray area is okay. The literal OG’s to situationships. Often, it means u hauling and being on a fast track relationship to growing together. We break apart when we see we can’t grow together anymore. Not lack of love.
-Many Lesbians share similar traumas. And how we deal with that trauma may manifest as inflicting it the same way. Ableism is rampant across identities and violence is a choice to inflict, not absorb.
-Abuse is a scary word to use, and we do abusive, violent things all the time. Lesbians are not immune, but are more than willing to ignore it on merit of being better and not always being physically violent.
-I’ve had more than one relationship short or long term, where mental illness and trauma was downplayed. It was one dimensional. It was equated to entire identities. It was demonized.
-The Lesbian class critique is real. The ones that grew up middle class are painfully basic [lacking life experience] and boring [lacking personality]. In the simplest terms, in my experience, being ‘Lesbian’ is the most important part of their identity and that’s it. Intersections is not the focal point.
!!By extension, academic gays seem to be the most visible in D.C. and on Tinder in general !!
-Black Lesbian women are proof that god exists. And our intersectional experiences, identities, and interests are unlimited. They are not mutually exclusive to the visibility of our culture.
-Of all these observations, I have never met a monolithic, cookie cutter, Black Lesbian. Each I’ve ever meet had some depth and I had to be patient to find it.
The working class gays are suffering in this current neoliberal capitalist system and I don’t know where we are to congregate in Chicago
Overall, my judgement of this experience is that my culture, my people, do not inherently value me. Within my culture and outside of it, I am basically treated the same. The value placed upon me is not based on who I am, it is based on the other’s judgement.
Black Lesbians are proof of god, but we are also real people., hence we are not perfect. We can are not monolithic and it’s not fair to paint a picture than an unproblematic person exists. We are all conditioned to treat dark skin, fat, Black femme Lesbians like shit. My visibility and experiences navigating yung lesbian life is not the only reflection of the lack bountiful radical spaces out there. Even within our ranks, there’s more love and appreciation I’ll ever get anywhere else. That love will never be enough to withhold critique, observations, and experiences of basics and bullshit. I love my culture. I love my people. Navigating space for me is hard, but choosing how to invest the time and energy to uncover and unlearn my destructive and problematic behaviors has been harder.