The Timeline Has Changed

The Timeline Has Changed

Hesna what do you want for your self? Bitch —->

How I’ve come to speak about my current discomfort has been through understanding the difference between what I need to be successful and my career interests. I have been so caught between measuring my efforts in opposition to figuring out what I want. Then I zoomed out and combined the critique of the environment I am in. Not just a Midwestern dumpster fire, but a place where my lifestyle is unbalanced and my support system is not enough to support my ascension into the next plane.



_Screenshot_20190217-190755_Gallery.jpg

One of my misguided fears was that I hadn’t tried hard enough to establish what I wanted. In transitioning from working 7 days a week, to six, and now what I’m actually paid to do discounts all of that. My efforts are clear and that realization brought me to fully synthesize my environment around me. I’ve known how I’ve felt about Chicago since I moved here, and have increasingly pushed my comfortability limits in trying to find equilibrium. That effort was more than finding places I could turn up and be gay in public, but in challenging and changing my thinking and patterns. Going against my RealNiggaMentality sometimes and being lawful rather than chaotic has shown me the length of possibilities, or better yet, timelines I could have in Chicago. ‘Timeline’ has been my go to word to explain how I interact with space time and spirituality everyday [shout out to Travelers on Netflix!'].

I’m ready to go. Not because I didn’t try hard enough where I am, but because my timeline has changed and I want to do something different. I want to be surrounded by my friends and communities that look like me, and in dual Aquarius nature, I also want to connect to something unfamiliar and larger than me.


tumblr_oiv0o6TDh41qbkq4po1_500.gif

My international move has been a scheme since before I experienced college. I’ve always been looking for an opportunity to live outside of this bubble. A bubble I’m learning is so much larger and more complex than we make it. These borders we’ve drawn do not limit it either.

why you lying copy copy.jpg

In being agitated on my desire to internationally relocate, and what I’ve learned to word as my challenge the systemic conditioning I have had about my theory of change. Change in my actions, words, psyche, work, and all the encompasses my life.

IT’S TIME TO GO

edited.jpg

Always in research mode still weighing options and places to go, what to do, and how to end up where I thank I’ll thrive, is overwhelming. Not like how I was accepting how deep anti blackness was when I started this intentional search in 2017. I’m secure in this next step because our world is too big and the opportunities so infinite for me to continue to not push bounds. Boundaries and environments that need to develop and diminish theoretically and in practice.

Doesn’t that sound fucking exhausting? It is. It has to be. This Diaspora has conditioned many of us however that this has always been the path. That we are literally our ancestors wildest dreams, and in the way I see it, just one step towards your next incarnation, whether that be through the next generation, veneration as an ancestor, and/or reincarnation.

tenor.gif

I don’t want proximity to the stereotype and reality I have seen of Black woman who sacrifice till there’s nothing there, who dreams and never gets to act, who plays the game waiting for the ‘right time’. It’s hard to see a future limited to anything I know right now. My soul is still restless and I revel in the opportunity to continue that journey mostly by myself at this time. That’s not a boundary of emotional availaibility, but

Screenshot_20190217-190854_Video+Player.jpg

Now…past the heavy revelations I have been experiencing the past month…It’s my birthday weekend. And while always to others expectations, I should be turning tf up, with a mild hangover, or pushing some major economic expense. I’m chilling however. My birthday hasn’t really been ‘fun’ as long as I can remember. Once you stop getting presents when you are young, what’s there to look forward to besides alcohol? lol

This year is just like last year, an insignificant number as it seems. But! In comparison to next year, I consider that I mini milestone age. What’s exciting for me in this birthday is knowing I challenged myself to do exactly what I wanted to for awhile, travel to Africa.

It’s been interesting to see reactions by others in me going on this trip. It’s one of disbelief, then shock, and then acceptance once I say how much it costs. What’s interesting about the cost to me is how the most expensive thing is the taxes for the airfare in comparison to literally everything else. That’s another exciting point, experiencing global travel with North America not being your base: completely different cost structure, proximity to more and open borders via US citizenship.

Each fear I had was thwarted with the possibility of difference in literally anywhere else I can go, whether just on this trip, or with the certification I will be fundraising for eventually to teach English abroad. Just reading the thought across the screen reinvigorates me to solidify my steps *swoon.

I’m reyyy ta go and have made peace with any doubt. This time next week I’ll probably still be packing for my trip to South Africa. I’m going to be nervous, but more excited than afraid.

Maybe the timeline has changed, maybe there’s a glitch in my matrix. Most ideally, this may be the actual journey God intended, maybe this is alignment. Everything feels very right, and my anxiety is barely telling me its wrong. My spirit is only protesting an ignorance to my discomfort and the ease that has enthralled me in this upcoming trip and most of all in the measurable investment in my future around these borders.



IMG_20190216_162930_857.jpg
The world absolutely needs your love. Your family does. Your friends do. The person who takes your order at the coffee shop, the stranger on the street this afternoon or a year from now, they will need your love. Your laugh. Your smile. your voice. Your heart. It’s all so powerful. It’s water to a thirsty world and a coat for someone cold.
— Jamie Tworkowski, "We Still Get to Love"
Please Leave Me Alone

Please Leave Me Alone

I Won: All Interpersonal Balance 2k19

I Won: All Interpersonal Balance 2k19