In my experience the most marginalized Trans* people value gender as one of the most important things in our lives. That doesn’t sound right, and feels like colonialist thinking. I’ve continually came to the conclusion gender doesn’t matter to me, aka the way pronouns no longer matter to me.
Shit ain’t the same!
**This is the reality of navigating queer community and your own identity in 2019 amongst a sea of whites who have never read Black womanist theory…
This is not about a relationship to the institution of gender, it’s about meeee,and I’m finding that’s because I’m still figuring out the relationship to my body, not so much physically as I am mentally.
I decided to take all of these questions and revelations seriously after acknowledging the masculine imbalance in my birth chat. I talked with my genderqueer friends about what masculinity actually means - as its a term that I have lost the words to define, rather than a male sex and male gender I have learned to devalue and hate for my own safety.
In conversation, landing on the notion that specifically when it comes to gendered behaviors and thought patterns, not how one has sex and what they wear, my existence started shining through.
It’s more than big dick energy
It’s more than big dyke energy
Taken from my #CCLO playlist Im Different, a Stud Anthology
And then the term ‘masc-of-center-femme’ came into my life
Suddenly, I felt more seen in my gender sexuality intersections than ever.
Critical Hesna then asked:
Do I like masc of center femme because it more accurate describes the middle ground of gendernonconformity or even nonbinaryness, which to me, still exclusively means people specifically going against their assigned gender?
We talk about how transness and nonbinaryness isn’t exclusive to body dysphoria, surgeries, or clothing. And I know that no genderqueer person I know has ever put those expectation on me. What ties all of these thoughts together is that I’m still on my gender journey. I feel like I’m in peak love with my body, as much as I ever have been. But, I find the describers I know to not be fully representative of self. Masc of center femme is the first term that made me feel seen in my balance of energies, but also contextualize for me, that I am the original masc 4 masc, s4s. Not so much giving fuel to my dating woes, but really grounding my mind. I’m certainly not the stud of my dreams, or societal imagination, but I do have more in common with them than my general femme counterparts, even out of Lesbian context.
image description: a Black person jumping, maybe doing parkour, to avoid touching the floor at all costs.
It has been brought to my attention via my favorite genderqueers.. not a paradox of questioning for an intellectual’s sake, but the depth of my gender queerness. My non conformity is more than a social response to institutional violence. It’s an ever changing identity I’m living.
I’ve been questioning if this is about:
Is this about my attractions or who I am?
Is this about gender roles via sex or who I am?
..or who I want to be?
How I want to express myself?
What is comfortable?
image description: A pie chart showing that wholly you are the only person who defines your gender and sexuality.
I know this queerness is not based in my immediate danger the same way it would for a transwoman. But again, I have more in common with her, than a cis lesbian.
My friendships have guided this gender journey, but pseudodating, aka hoeing has put it in the forefront. It’s not sex that is making the genderqueer jump out even more, its me now being more clear than ever about what I want and what I don’t like. That takes clarity of self.
It’s been a few months now that I have stopped having a ‘preferred pronoun’. White queer culture has had me out here mostly engaging with my gender only in this way. I’ve said before how even when it comes pronouns, ‘she’ really isn’t representative of self. But to deny ‘he’ or even ‘they’ then feels meaningless. So I reject the concept and simply respect the pronouns of others, not because it’s most important in their lives, but because it’s more about the danger you inflict by assuming and misgendering.