Always late to the game, I am reminded this weekend of Mother’s Day. Luckily, this year my focus has been on the Black Momma Bailout by BLM.
Each of this pseudo holiday triggers any grief or leftover tensions I may still hold when it comes to how I treated her. I’ve worked through a lot of that hurt. And while you’ll never fully be over someone one’s death, I can say after 6 years, I can at least talk about without shutting down.
Capitalism and ruling class culture around this pseudo holiday, forces you to confront your maternal trauma. But, when you have been working through it so long, and it’s manifested into something fruitful, and gives you strength, that sadness turns more into anger and annoyance about other people. I’m glad I get to spend this weekend with a friend who gets it, but ever being off media, the messaging is still everywhere, I see flowers everywhere, I see and feel everyone’s joy and thats more triggering than anything else.
This Mother’s Day, centering me, I’ve really sat and thought really hard about how I want to celebrate, specifically without mourning. When Mother’s Day is a month after her death date, that’s important, because with another grief period, Spring becomes absolutely unbearable. When I don’t address this season head on, or any other triggering holiday, it’s rough.
Grieving is one thing, and healing is another. The growth from the trauma isn’t one measured I how mature I am aka how much I can adult and suffer by myself with no safety net. Full circle, that growth is in my intuition, which has been overflowing for months now.
My biggest old insecurity about my mom is that I don’t feel her presence the way I do others I have lost. I also do not dream of her often, less than 3 times in the last few years. Connection to my ancestors or my spirit guides is what I have tapped into via reiki from the amazing @controversialtay. And within these sessions directly connected with my mom for the first time since 2016.
That’s when I knew reiki was that bitch!!! But also that she didn’t abandon me in life or in death, that I just needed to figure out how to communicate with he, obviously not just keep her spirit alive. Since that specific reiki session, I’ve been more clear than ever about my support system. My friends are great but nobody got me like god got me, and by that I mean all the spiritual energy protecting my core and guiding my actions. Energy extended from multiple consciousness and channels, past lives and future ones.
I stopped blaming myself in 2016, and I’ve increasingly internalized that into naming and sustaining the love she cultivated in me. I am only so empathetic and nurturing because she personified all of that with humility. I have died and wanted to die so many times that it’s impossible to believe multiple forces don’t contribute.
My saving grace to get through mother’s day is knowing I’m living a life my mom is proud of, and that my success, my safety, my triumphs, my whole as body is only here, and continues to be here because of her. My life is a group effort, and this triggering pseudo holiday is actually about celebrating that love more than the person, and I feel like that can only be understood by those without a physical or blood related maternal figure.
I remember before losing a close friend to being an insecure ableist bitch, we talked about having out parents be proud of us. In aquarius nature, and not being family oriented, I said I never aspired for any family approval. Even with their strained family relationship, they said they still wanted their mom to be proud of them.
I can see the conversation now as being the base of this trauma to healing transformation. I had to get past the concept of uncertainty of the life you’ve lived and opinions of someone who is not here to validate or vilify you. And while a mother’s death is something I know few people can handle or fathom, I am more than satisfied without the connection I have with my mother now. I literally could not fathom it any other way.
It don’t hit the same when they’re gone, but it hit different when you know they’re proud of you. Watching people still grieve as well as the majority of people [ofc] not even conceptualizing the aging of their parents is troubling. Because I can still so easily tap into that pain and shock.However, I am blessed to know I can support those people to my best abilities and not have the theorize their experiences.
Therapy didn’t help my process and neither did psychiatry. It kept me physically functioning. Compassion and love that I cultivated got me through, and there’s not enough people willing to hold that space for death like that.
I’m holding space for anyone and everyone going through this and who will go through this. Love my baddies that will get through this weekend and the bullshit