the kink💦 of accountability

the kink💦 of accountability

START MOOD:

 

I’ve been thinking about the emotional labour of helping people navigate whiteness and anti blackness. You can put a price on that [venmo-hesnabeep cashapp- $hesna] , but when it comes to your friends, it’s a major labor of love. A labor that Black people have been doing for centuries and certainly should not be freely given. It’s not the same as compassion or empathy.

But before any of that friendship is based in accountability. That’s apart of how I show love; holding people to what they say, not for their obedience to you, but reverence and respect of themselves, their dreams, who they present to be vs persona.

 

A polymath loves when someone has something new to be interested in

An aquarius loves when someone is passionate about something personal

A Hesna genuinely c*** at the thought of someone as dedicated to loving someone in the form of accountability.

 
image description: michael scott from The Office looking clueless as always, with a text overlay ‘Truth be told, U think U thrive under a lack of accountability.

image description: michael scott from The Office looking clueless as always, with a text overlay ‘Truth be told, U think U thrive under a lack of accountability.

It’s been harrrrrrd for me to come to the conclusion that accountability is my love language. That requires everyone to grow around me. That perception becomes that I am ‘holier than thou’, am embodiment of perfection, a narcissist.

My self aware ass knowns that’s far from the truth. I also recognize human nature, and that perfecton cannot exist.

But for my own self preservation, what standards will I have for interacting with people short and long term?

 

In fear, I’d contextualize my fears from being betrayed and abandoned. Those friendships died, my love for those people died, because we were no longer accountable to each other. The conclusion being that there is a difference between abandonment and betrayal vs growth and life paths.

The matrix would have you thinking there’s not a difference, but intention and how the other person responds dictates that. When you directly confront your essential differences with another and over time interacting becomes unbearable,unwanted, etc. there’s a communication process. Abandonment does not encompass that, there’s no regard for the other. In my experience, betrayal has been the explanation for abandonment, saying you will do something and falling back on your words to moi.

Maybe the fears are the same and one just seems for fatalistic than the other.

I now see that my friendships are more than mutual trust, they must encompass accountability; the feeling < the action. I don’t need to trust you with my life, but I need to trust while talking to you about it.

 

I remember how clear I became early on in my healing process in 2017, that my standards for who was in my life had gotten higher. If you wanted access to me there were things I would not tolerate under any circumstances.

 

Now, not only because of my transitions, but the transitions of others, am I again at a loss of friendship with ‘friends', friends, and acquaintances.


 

I know this is the case when I get growingly closer with people already in my life, and those accelerating into closeness with me.

DRIFTING. [also the name of my favorite Yellowcard songs]

The drifting : interests, how we present ourselves, and most common for me, how mature we try to be, are, in opposition to how interested we are in the concept but not practicing it.

How this differs is so interesting to me because I’ve had shitty friends and never want to be a shitty friend, regardless of the hurt someone causes me. You can drop and ghost people within reason, but to abandon someone in extreme times of need is impossible for me. This is partially because I know how that feels and am not willing to share that experience, but also because its traumatic and can break someone’s core- truly destabilize them for a long time.

 

To thwart that I’ve been on the direct extreme honesty train, and still people cast that as ghosting them after I can’t stand the labor and lack of reciprocity.

Just because I’ve been forward does not mean people will literally step backward to reflect on a friend expressing how they feel about your relationship. Moreso a ‘personal attack’.

And that for me translates to not being able to grow, when even in defense one takes it at lite abuse rather than constructive criticism, or again, a friend expressing your relationship dynamics.

Even in having this site for over two years now, I have ‘friends’,friends,and acquaintances that act like they can’t keep up with my life, who I am, what’s changing, what I’m going through.

It’s all here.

Friendship is so complex, but I don’t think it’s hard. It’s hard to be a good friend, and hard to keep a good friend if you ain’t shit.

Ofc I want people in my life that share my interests and my values, but my ‘friends’,friends, acquaintances still don’t know how to be good friends/ aren’t interested in it.

IT IS interest in being similar and different, not an actual relationship.

Relationships have mutual interests, not as in hobbies but communication, expectations, reciprocity, etc.

And the growth I’ve had has accelerated how I articulate and specifically show my needs. I’m noticing that that circle is getting smaller, despite how much love I have. And that exactly has lead to me seeing to my last post, that this is where compassion vs empathy exists.

I know I’m not going to drop people based off of guilt have from showing up for me before with the basic fucking decency people claim but rarely show.

I can’t change you, but I can hold my boundaries and communicate. That’s a good friend. And in addition, if you know what I am, rather than just what I stand for, you know imma tell you how goofy and fake you are regardless because that the level of accountability I want for myself.

That’s what I’ve come to perceive as an actual aquarius personality trait, rather than other signs that dont understand personality=interests and behaviors.

 

These morning thoughts had me again try to understand what within me is so attractive to people? What do they like to see rather than who I actually am?


 

While astroloy, spirtual, rootwork,etc will focus on what you negatively are attracted to and flaws in your personality, I’ve been focusing on the part of those readings that point out how easily others project-reflect themselves onto me, who they are and who they want to be. That couples with someone who is intentional about hearing and seeing people fully.

That shit is not okay!!
and I call it out on sight!!

So this is that game I’ve felt I’ve been in a sudden death match over for months.

 

uhhhhh sorry but the organized l3ft gave me some self preservation tips :

aquarius be like:no one understands me

and it’s because yall can’t differentiate our intrests from our personaliies, as most people in general can’t for themselves anyway.

everyone loves the anti-woke activist friend till they point out how you contribute and profit from their marginalization and yet still practice embodying it on the daily.

like….do…you…not….know….me??

You must think proximity to a real niggas makes you a real nigga and *that is a lie you must tell yourself to literally not feel victimized by my personality.

Niggas are fake, so fake. but some of them are my ‘friends’,friends, acquaintances and imma love you from a distance with accountability. And because I know you can’t/are unwilling to do the same, our friendship will dissolve.

The secret to my power of why we aren’t the same, is just that, ability to reflect, think, and grow, not just out of choice by necessity. Most importantly, knowing it can’t be done alone.

I can’t live out my values if those closest to me can’t hold me accountable +++ figure out their own.

I don’t need you to know who you are, but I need you to know what you stand for. Friendship can be based on that bare minimum.

IT’S KEEN THAT I know where this is coming from: how i’ve been dealing with it, and where it’s going. While I usually focus on why it’s so painful and important for me, I leave out that part that centers my safety and emotional wellbeing. It’s harder for me to allow the bullshit, than to nurture myself to be able to handle it. It’s no longer harder for me to choose myself over the [dis]comfort of others ready to grow and reciprocate the energy and love they get.

Life makes it feel like i’m too young to have those standards and conclusions.

But eye know that at this point it’s not just ~trauma ~, divisiveness, or unattainable standards.

It’s actually a combination of what trauma has taught me, historical patterns in interpersonal violence - especially gender dynamics, ignorance of what #white feminism is, and a level of self love abundant bad bitchery you ain’t never dreamed about boo.

CLOSING BDDDDDDT:

Hesna's Half Year-Half Bitch check in pt 1

Hesna's Half Year-Half Bitch check in pt 1

niggas ain't on shit dot com

niggas ain't on shit dot com