By Myself Thee Wave Check pt 2

By Myself Thee Wave Check pt 2

I’m sorry you’ve been conditioned to believe you must wholly depend on someone in order to believe in yourself.

I’m sorry you’ve been conditioned to only have small goals. To do what you can [right now] rather than what you want [in the future].

I recognize your grief and frustrations in this timeline.

But it can’t be me. This can’t be me.

I see and feel all that we are going through, but it cannot be me. I have always had a larger vision, one I don’t always lead with, but am fully conscious of.

Someone I pseudo admire [everyone in Chicago] reminded me that these momentary environments I’ve been in, and I’d even add the momentary relationships of all boundaries I’ve been in are temporary, purely because my vision is greater than all served in front of me. Again, that long term goal struggle is more about limits than imagination.

My aquarius stellium + aries venus + mars in pisces is a clusterfuck of dat individuality, intuition, and high capacity for empathy aka unreciprocal bullshit. Bold and vulnerable is a great way to put it.

What I’ve been hyper aware of in the past year has been this balance I’ve learned to love and accept. How even without aquarius projections of being misunderstood, I am just that…actually misunderstood. I guess. From watching people lie on me to my fucking face, I’ve gathered that I’m just not a basic bitch !! to be simply manipulated.


Standing up for yourself and others, calling out injustice and lies, raising consciousness and insisting on continual self and community education is something else. That’s being an organizer.tm. Other organizers don’t always explicitly name that as #thework, any work, but it is.

I understand the collective-community conscious is relevant the same way individual identity is. What I want for myself does not have to fit within anyone else’s code of justice,truth, or authenticity. Chicago taught me that with bitterness that I still have.

[Image description: Queen Nicki, MEGATRON, Roman, etc. giving a fake ass smile, saying haha, [[with emphasis]]mouthing ‘bitch’. ]

[Image description: Queen Nicki, MEGATRON, Roman, etc. giving a fake ass smile, saying haha, [[with emphasis]]mouthing ‘bitch’. ]

Only now via this recent post have I been able to put into words why nearly everyone I know has me fucked up!! I’m not a goofy femme to be walked over, an activist online who can’t commit to action, a heartless narcissistic bitch, or an emotionally unaware pessimist.

It sounds like the epitome of the bad bitch sjw we all want to be. That’s who I am > and < still aspire to be. But in trying times like these, I wonder how far it’s actually gotten me in life. For my health and esteem? Sensational. Under capitalism and the social context of my age? lol. Making and keeping friends, lovers, partners?Lmao


Currently I’m my favorite version of myself, and I can’t wait to grow even more as I manifest my values. But….while I am ambitious, I do not have the capacity or energy for anything beyond my immediate needs and those of my loved ones at the moment.

In my tarot readings, I have been told everyday that I must rest. But I’m restless…This led to my burnout in Chicago. And even with the support of my favs now, there’s still a mental restlessness that I’m not sure how to quick fix-cure.

[Image description: Hesna living their best mf life in Johannesburg looking cute with two pairs of stunna shades across four outfits. Also pictured is an image of the Apartheid Museum]

I share these photos again to remind me, to remind us, we can manifest our dreams one step at a time.

The values or themes I have been reckoning with in this half of the year most are:

-spirituality

-friendship

-intuition

-independence

-”my vision”

-”my purpose”


First we ground:


  1. Something I ask that used to ground suic***l thoughts is ‘what keeps someone here’. That’s too vague or deep for most people. So, it usually manifests as, ‘What keeps you in this work?’ ‘What do you still study this’ What makes you so passionate’. By asking people this, I continually add to the infinite reasons I continue to live my life. Because only so close to death did I understand how closely my existence is tied to others. Their love, their dreams, their happiness, their future, their will, their passion, their everyday life. People say ‘the world needs you’ but actually I need you because you make my life better, your friends need you because you make them happy, etc. seeing the interconnectedness really changes your perspective on what life is, as more than a first person experience in crisis.

2. If I exist in all of my complexity and bullshit experiences plus marginalizations, there’s another version of me right now [in another dimension too ofc] who needs me to make it through this bullshit.

Q:How often in justice work do you hear that people cannot imagine a world without police?

A: [Exactly]

 

Denying myself worthy of life, the life I envision especially, for me is to say it’s impossible for another, for my friend, someone I love, or someone I admire, etc. Therefore, it couldn’t be me boo!!

giphy.gif

[Image description: the infamous 50 cent gif of him driving off with a self assured smile]


[Tangent: It’s a thing. And as an anarchist I can’t fathom it. But , I too, was politicized that way. Recently a AAHIS article on Juneteenth talked about the same estrangement with holiday I see. But it was anchored in the truth that Black abolitionists have always had to define freedom, the same way we continue to today. I deeply identify with the concept because I see a form of freedom that is not the same as equality or benefitting from white supremacy as many leftists/anarchists/etc interpret abolition and/or anarchism. This is why ‘Black liberation’ cannot just fit into your cookie cutter ass leftists messaging. It’s not going to be reformist, it’s not going to involve pigs, and it’s not going to center whiteness. You do not have a full analysis of race as a concept or system, and fail to recognize the depth of anti blackness in a societies. Black Liberation > Abolition ]

 

Personally, I’m craving solitude. I’m fearing isolation.

I’m feeling unloved, but feel more than ready to give it.

 

This is such an imbalance of what I’m willing to do, what is available to me, and of course, my own capacity.

I’m still trying to figure out that interpretation.

I’ve been trying to ground myself in the truth that my intuition is all I need. I be knowin,n but when I have to lean on others and hope people show up with reciprocity, I am let down.

My politics pushes for community everything but my life and willpower recognize individual source of strength. More abstract, maybe it’s not about who comes in and out of life, even whether they deserve to. But, about this imaginary community I cannot see that is inside of me. That spiritual, ancestral knowledge shit, that Black anarchist pdf of that action [Chief Keef voice], that revamped Combahee River Collective statement; collective pieces make me feel seen, heard, and loved. As I’ve said before, Black Feminist Thought is the only continually grounding force I know.

[That’s why it’s so interesting to me within my signs that people attribute it to the desire to be different, to be #smart, to be elitist… B I’m just trying to ground myself outside of the matrix and shake some shit up. You complacent? Again, couldn’t beee meee boo! You owe it to yourself to find liberation however you see fit o k]

People in my life don’t make me feel love like that all the time. The love I feel most often is the reflected truths others validate in me. dassit. So it’s fuck everyone but in the most existential ways. His Holiness been told us attachment is the root of our suffering i.e. 8 fold path.

I know I can only coexist in this world, never alone. But this whole ~base in community~ must be specified for me because community based everything has taught my accountability is but a word and means nothing. Trust means nothing, history means nothing, words mean nothing.

[Image description: a person pointing a gun with a dreamy background]

[Image description: a person pointing a gun with a dreamy background]

!! Niggas need context and examples please

I’m not often challenged on needing that grounding [because I’m 50% air sign ofc] because I have an imagination and play out my values at all costs in real life - there’s a thin line between my dream world and my reality. I enact it all, and I’m learning, so many people, again, don’t even try to do that rather than talk about it.

All I can believe is what is intentional, and what I know. No one is asking more of me, but I demand more of myself and others. I’m tired of being used, tired of being left, tired of being tired.

In these big transitions I retreat into myself, go off, pop off, and then attract the flies. i’m wondering if, and how long, I can ride this upcoming wave… Even in this long ass phase, I can’t deny still, that I know there’s so much more for me in this lifetime in building my ideal world where we can all thrive.

I’m never quite by myself, but my face tattoo exists to remind me that that is a choice. One I’ve internalized as essential to my existence, my [mental] health especially, and my happiness.

 

Halfway into this year and I’m still impressed. Rooting for you bihh.

Emotional Protecc Activate!!

Emotional Protecc Activate!!

Hesna's Half Year-Half Bitch check in pt 1

Hesna's Half Year-Half Bitch check in pt 1