By Myself Thee Wave Check pt 2
I’m sorry you’ve been conditioned to believe you must wholly depend on someone in order to believe in yourself.
I’m sorry you’ve been conditioned to only have small goals. To do what you can [right now] rather than what you want [in the future].
I recognize your grief and frustrations in this timeline.
But it can’t be me. This can’t be me.
I see and feel all that we are going through, but it cannot be me. I have always had a larger vision, one I don’t always lead with, but am fully conscious of.
Someone I pseudo admire [everyone in Chicago] reminded me that these momentary environments I’ve been in, and I’d even add the momentary relationships of all boundaries I’ve been in are temporary, purely because my vision is greater than all served in front of me. Again, that long term goal struggle is more about limits than imagination.
My aquarius stellium + aries venus + mars in pisces is a clusterfuck of dat individuality, intuition, and high capacity for empathy aka unreciprocal bullshit. “Bold and vulnerable” is a great way to put it.
What I’ve been hyper aware of in the past year has been this balance I’ve learned to love and accept. How even without aquarius projections of being misunderstood, I am just that…actually misunderstood. I guess. From watching people lie on me to my fucking face, I’ve gathered that I’m just not a basic bitch !! to be simply manipulated.
Standing up for yourself and others, calling out injustice and lies, raising consciousness and insisting on continual self and community education is something else. That’s being an organizer.tm. Other organizers don’t always explicitly name that as #thework, any work, but it is.
I understand the collective-community conscious is relevant the same way individual identity is. What I want for myself does not have to fit within anyone else’s code of justice,truth, or authenticity. Chicago taught me that with bitterness that I still have.
Only now via this recent post have I been able to put into words why nearly everyone I know has me fucked up!! I’m not a goofy femme to be walked over, an activist online who can’t commit to action, a heartless narcissistic bitch, or an emotionally unaware pessimist.
It sounds like the epitome of the bad bitch sjw we all want to be. That’s who I am > and < still aspire to be. But in trying times like these, I wonder how far it’s actually gotten me in life. For my health and esteem? Sensational. Under capitalism and the social context of my age? lol. Making and keeping friends, lovers, partners?Lmao
Currently I’m my favorite version of myself, and I can’t wait to grow even more as I manifest my values. But….while I am ambitious, I do not have the capacity or energy for anything beyond my immediate needs and those of my loved ones at the moment.
In my tarot readings, I have been told everyday that I must rest. But I’m restless…This led to my burnout in Chicago. And even with the support of my favs now, there’s still a mental restlessness that I’m not sure how to quick fix-cure.
[Image description: Hesna living their best mf life in Johannesburg looking cute with two pairs of stunna shades across four outfits. Also pictured is an image of the Apartheid Museum]
I share these photos again to remind me, to remind us, we can manifest our dreams one step at a time.
The values or themes I have been reckoning with in this half of the year most are:
First we ground:
Something I ask that used to ground suic***l thoughts is ‘what keeps someone here’. That’s too vague or deep for most people. So, it usually manifests as, ‘What keeps you in this work?’ ‘What do you still study this’ What makes you so passionate’. By asking people this, I continually add to the infinite reasons I continue to live my life. Because only so close to death did I understand how closely my existence is tied to others. Their love, their dreams, their happiness, their future, their will, their passion, their everyday life. People say ‘the world needs you’ but actually I need you because you make my life better, your friends need you because you make them happy, etc. seeing the interconnectedness really changes your perspective on what life is, as more than a first person experience in crisis.
2. If I exist in all of my complexity and bullshit experiences plus marginalizations, there’s another version of me right now [in another dimension too ofc] who needs me to make it through this bullshit.
Q:How often in justice work do you hear that people cannot imagine a world without police?
Denying myself worthy of life, the life I envision especially, for me is to say it’s impossible for another, for my friend, someone I love, or someone I admire, etc. Therefore, it couldn’t be me boo!!
[Image description: the infamous 50 cent gif of him driving off with a self assured smile]