Needy people? In control?
Absolutely not!! 🤢😷🤮
I tried to be in a relationship relationship again for 2 seconds and it reminded me why I’m not in one in the moment, nor will be in a serious one in the near future. The realization was not based on who the person was, or even how I felt about them. It was about finally being able to name exactly what I need and expect without feeling bad. That was a major point of strength and affirmation to the bullshitttttt we been through., and most importantly won’t be doing again. The fear of craving isolation, and the reality of what my focus and vision is for my life right now.
How does one emotionally heal and protect themselves without having standards to guide?
Do boundaries only exist for reassurance?
If standards are the stairs, boundaries are the rail, keeping shit in line.
In an ideal sense, I see that to be polyamorous, one must have a clear vision of self. They need to know what they want, what they need, and how much they can give to others.
I have never seen this ideal practiced in my fucking life, but in some timeline, I know one of yall is out here doing the damn thing. In poly relationships I often identify with the one that “has to be strong” aka secure [strength ≠ how you particularly express your emotions]. The person who takes on the emotional responsibility of the other, makes sure all facets of their life are in check, and is likely the strongest emotional support for said person. What I often see is codependency.
Codependence not as in two people who know their needs and wants, and are simply practicing what works for them. I mean codependence as in either person cannot stand alone in life. Often, they can’t be happy outside of a relationship, their life doesn’t have meaning.
This has been reflected socially as people whose friends are all exes. Even, whose friends are all who they date.
I not only think it’s toxic but know it’s messy. I see it as messy not because of an anti poly agenda, but because emotional availability is never a concern or ideal, its an expectation. In the half full, half empty metaphor, the glass is always being poured and there seems to be no middle ground.
Deciding almost a year ago [I’m shook!] to risk my relationship and ultimately to its end, choose to be non monogamous, it puts me at odds.
I’ve been going between the difference in standards and boundaries because I see that difference as a way to explain polyamory and non monogamy.
“Standards can be personal or societal, but boundaries are exclusively personal.”-@thepoetmari
Is the best, simplest way to understand the difference .
In my queer relationship translation,
One is based in a different standard to monogamy: one to many, some to many, many to many.
The other is based in boundaries: none to some , one to some.
I see non monogamy as self centric, and poly as relationships centric. They inform each other.
I don’t think that’s how a balanced poly relationship works for everyone.
The poly translation I understand in that standard is that your relationships to others aren’t based in an inherent tradition. LIKE not your landlord, not your boss, not your friends friend, not your new love interests partner,etc. That is extremely goofy to me and and is a common understanding, boundary of most people.
Is that monogamist thinking ?I guess? I forced me to think more about the standards I understand for myself and boundaries people establish in relationships of all kinds.
When we ask why we practice them, it’s hard to answer. I think it’s because we have clear understanding of how everyone we interact with fits in our lives, from the people that raised you, who delivers your mail, even whose ass you’ll [maybe] eat. A polyamorous person or relationship that can’t discern between relationship roles or functions, is not one for me. Relationships have common understandings, above sentence is a situationship.
So for self, I look back to where I was a year ago:
Satisfied in a relationship, dissatisfied with my environment, and at a standstill of no longer investing in the insecurities of those around me. I needed more for myself not only because of a stressful job and environment, but an imbalance in effort to grow or resolve in my relationships. I didn’t have an answer for it,but I was chilling. An empowering experience talking to a poly person who was in a monogamous relationship reminded me that relationships are whatever you make of them-want them to be. A short interaction with someone had me longing to expand my relationship, not get out. My partner then didn’t get that, and I had no “plan” to make that actually exist anyway. For them, that was about feelings of inadequacy and resistance to my changing views. I came to understand that I didn’t feel like I was missing anything vital in my relationship, nor did I particularly want more of xyz thing. Also accepting relationships, too, are not perfect of course!
Did I want something different with someone else? Whilst not losing what I have?
Did I want to remove a boundary that seemed to be hindering my relationship? My freedom? My changing desires?
Was I just fucking bored because I’m an aries venus that values change and conflict, and we had become stagnant?
Did I just need a break from holding all the emotions of everyone around me at every level as a sensitive person?
Back then I didn’t have the range to formulate all of this, and only now can I say I certainly think it was all of these reasons combined. And I settled on not knowing a solution or answer, but knowing after it ended was lit. I hadn’t felt free from the weight of emotions that weren’t mine in a long time. Although, I haven’t particularly figured out what I want as a specific relationship structure, the closest to relationship anarchists I could get, is to form relationship expectations with a person. Sounds like common fucking sense and yet here we are. :) I do that with everyone now because I know on both sides what it feels like to not know or show where you stand with someone.
Some people like the ambiguity and many call that out as immaturity and resistance to intention. I am that person.
I have spent the past year focusing on affirmation and exploration: who am I and what am I doing next hoe? And I’ve found as I’ve become clearer and clearer, I am more aware of how to balance my needs and those of the people I love. This has been through the standard that I will not sacrifice my anything out of a feeling of obligation or entitlement to anyone. Practicing that self love has lead me to a overflow of love to give out. That’ll be the incubation > isolation I’ll be writing more about soon.
Spiritual type people say how the remastering of love, in the form of sex manifests as career success often. I don’t think it’s true, but that’s what’s happening right now. I don’t think it comes down to becoming less weak because you choose to live your best hoe life or be in a monogamous relationship. What I do know is, the drive and direction I have right now is solid and I’m not in the mood to be vulnerable enough to change this level of focus.
As a Lover and hoe advocate, that definitely doesn’t mean not dating. It means holding my mf standards for self and others, and the boundaries that dictate that. I no longer fear standards too high or boundaries too strict. Real recognize real and nearly everyone looks unfamiliar.
I love being in that phase of radical self love where I purposely interpret all love songs as being about self. It’ll empower you like you’ve never conjured before
*winks in Donna Summer.
My issue with poly relationships is that I’ve never seen them work. My issue with poly people is nonexistent. I don’t want my relationships to flow together, unless I want them to. The way I form relationships of all levels is based in relation to me, not others. That discernment of intention is why I don’t think I’m a poly person by nature.
My poly friends have been happiest to me, when practicing non monogamy. Why? They were centered in themselves, not others. Once they juggled, eventually partnerships would end. In their experience, not necessarily jealousy or communication, but personal goals that were just as important as the relationship. Those goals being jobs, or for me, a basic baseline of why one should even be in the relationships, some sort of reciprocity.
I can’t see beyond my emotional needs not being met at the expense of other(s), the plural makes it worse !!! That boundary as a literal action step of the concept of self love, does not conflict with compassion or empathy. I can be caring and loving at no expense to myself. Not being able to accept the boundary being given is your problem and no one else’s. In retrospect that’s my issue with monogamy.
For me, that reflects as: maybe I don’t have a lot to give, maybe I’m not interested in holding more than myself and my friends accountable [especially emotionally], maybe I’m isolating myself form partnerships, etc.
That’s absolutely fine and niggas r gr8 !!
Being HOME in the DMV is just as rewarding,if not more, that I thought it’d be. Not because of nostalgia, but because of the simple fact the east coast has more resources, emotional support, and self aware hotties that contribute to my joy. Nothing, nowhere, no singular person compares. And I wouldn’t want it any other way, because we do not exist to be anyones everything.
Can yall handle having to be enough for yourself? even for a moment?
Partnerships are essential, as is community, but codependence is different. Not having boundaries and named expectations + desires is different.
The middleground is exploring and enacting some skrong standards and skrong boundaries so that you can cultivate [self]love and be able to show it and hold it for others. If you can’t do one, you certainly can’t for others. And when you do, en masse, being poly without restriction, without honesty and reflection, you create a ~ toxic ~ environment-system-relationship(s) where no one is accountable, even at the least for their own emotions and actions. No one can equitably enjoy, grow, and survive that bullshit.