Does HotGirl Hesna Live?

Does HotGirl Hesna Live?

Start mood: Solange - Things I imagined

HotGirl mood: Megan Thee Stallion - Pimpin

Reflection mood 1: BBYMUTHA - Sick

Reflection mood 2: Beenie Man & Mya - Girls Dem Sugar

End mood: CupcaKKe - Bird box

She’s an enigma.

Screen Shot 2019-09-09 at 6.01.05 AM.png

I knew my Hot Girl Summer was not going to be full of bountiful cinematic meetups and orgasms after I chose to uproot my life. Physically I moved, but mentally I leveled up. Choosing to assess and reassess my priorities means I can’t just be out here fucking these hoes [I’m hoes] !! Preferring mutual connections beyond hookup culture or Lesbian uhual practice is tough. I found HotGirlHesna needs that balance most of all - being grounded in being emotionally available to others outside of extremes is my Hot Girl Agenda.

Even in non monogamy where boundaries are clear, how we react to our own emotions or our feelings being reciprocated, is an aquarius’s worse nightmare. Being a lesbian is a full time job and its rewards are so deeply enchanting. Tis not a game, but the speed at which we do things in our community sometimes can be alarming.

For me, a true Hot Girl Summer entails emotional security, clarity, and refined intuition. That coexists with an abundance of [redacted], that* lesbian eye contact, and unplanned shenanigans that are always worth it. This is not an unattainable, childish, vision of sexual liberation or gratification, issa lifestyle. Not apart of a personality, but a manifestation of an actual relationship that one must build with someone. One that requires mutual energy, respect, intentions, and learned skills of communication and problem solving. 

Moving to Houston parallel to Solange’s When I Get Home and Megan Thee Stallion’s growing visibility, for me meant some trUe hoe shit [do nothing without intention!]. Feeling more clear on my life vision than ever before, feeling as beautiful as I do outside as inside, having the confidence and will to do whatever I wanted not could, was a breath of fresh air. It was a major release of anxiety that has lasted now for over 4 months. One that physically has been a game changer and contributing factor to my own short term and long term goal accountability. I have been ready to peak to my [succ]ess in the deep south, find my farmer lesbian with the horses un the back, and even maybe find the boundary of hood nigga that fucks with the levels of my nonsense. Life hasn’t worked out and I think it’s because only now can I accept I’m right where I need to be ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

The emotional groundwork for HotGirl Hesna to rise is most important. We’d like to think when our relationship is best with ourselves, we inherently thrive, but again, self accountability is not enough. I see this as an ever evolving process. This universe has forced me to focus my time on my hashtag relationship goals and the emotional boundaries to propel me there. For me, once I released whatever expectation or lack thereof I had for my Hot Girl Summer, my needs changed. I had to figure out why I thought I needed to push that social bandwidth I felt like I missed out on. That clarity thwarted the usual bullshit wasting my time, energy, and money on people I choose to ‘take a chance on’. Sounds goofy!

An anti anti-social, intentional bitch, is not for everyone. We are not all worthy and that’s okay!! Whether intuition or trained lesbian bullshit detections, it is so much easier for me to detect compatibility compared to baseline attraction. The most import thing for me being sure I know the difference between the two. Feelings outside of your standards are not worth it bitch. My attraction is not always physical, but the attraction is not inherently healthy either. I am not captain save a hoe, nor am I a hoe that wants or needs to be saved. My dedication to mental wellness and balance is not cute, it’s not a fad, it is my means of survival. Sharing my energy without reciprocity is no longer negotiable. and have been quickly seeing how being so precise like that even in the smallest ways has affected my overall mood and peace.

 

Vulnerability has been my goal in this cycle of endless bullshit, ensuring one does not become stuck in their own emotions or bitter to the world and intimacy. And ofc that is not the answer. My passions lie in movement work, but the self sacrificial Black woman trope is not my path and I refuse to participate. Being intentionally more vulnerable in my work and private life has only burned me out. I don’t need to be more emotionally available or vulnerable, I need to [continue to] heighten my intuition and discernment to guide my energy.

No new friends is the mantra when you have an ideal balance of the energies that surround you. I didn’t and took the time to figure out why, and still am. My empathic ass knows it’s not because it is anyones fault, but because I’m growing, healing, and evolving and it’s not easy to keep up. That willingness to adapt, and/or ability to grow or change has become my new kink I guess. Thus, I have in fact been on the highest of guards and I am tiredt! And yet, not working out of fear or even being defensive has not been enough to emotionally blocc this manifestation.

 

Is a HotGirl just intentionally single?

If she wants to be. I’ve been interpreting that as a given, but my aries in venus ass can’t resist the thrills. How I envision non monogamy isn’t physically concrete, cause I haven’t practiced. This is a similar feeling to when I came out and was determined to live my truth. Going slow n steady into a serious relationship isn’t guaranteed by non monogamy. Finding someone like myself who exists on the middle path of excess and intention, has been a new world or possibilities. Intentional relationship building is always the move but not the practice. And finding someone just as dedicated to growing inside and outside of relationships in various avenues is 👏that 👏good 👏shit 👏.

The familiarity of home has been so much more grounding than I imagined it to be. Being able to feel all of my emotions past immediate needs, or work needs, is proof of that. It’s a testament to the decision I made to leave the past two cities I lived in this year, the relationships that had to end and be redefined, the jobs I didn’t get, the opportunities that are coming. I’ve been manifesting hard af this year and feel more in control of my life and happy than ever. And yes, much of that has all come from a mindset shift.

HotGirlHesna indulges in their fears just as much as desires. I’ve been limited by my surrounding environment, but not as much my as my own head games. I only find what I need after I’ve released my attachment to it. When I let life flow, and focus on what I can actually control, things fall into place. My recent nonsense has been so captivating that I don't  know how to act :(

Screenshot_20190820-064414_Photos.jpg

HotGirl Hesna is busy receiving the blessings

I'm not sure where this lies on the differences I noted earlier -- how romance must be based on more than attraction, or how they make you feel. This has been attributed to unfamiliarity with someone real. Someone who validates your needs and desires in a way that inadvertently shames nearly all of your experiences before. It’s been a trip to see my unobtainable everything be packaged in one person, not off a checklist, but as their whole selves, faults and all. It doesn’t discount my experiences with others, it makes me even more grateful that I have had them, because my past self probably wouldn’t know how to appreciate all that is in front of me at the moment.

A natural connection recognizing each others fear and desires is new, that LOCAL BITCH ENERGY is new. That honeymoon phase innocence with a new gay in your life is a high, but already cutting though the less desirable things already has been rewarding too. Consistent communication and talking about boundaries has grounded our interactions and made a connection even stronger rather than weaker off the bat. Someone more concerned with their life than the possibility of an ‘ours’ is always attractive, and when that comes from a place of respect for me??? Had me fucked upppp. This current experience involves every emotion: it is free and unrestricting, but passionate enough for my full attention. It scares me not because I cant handle it, but because of how easy and affectionate it has been without any major sacrifices on either end, no suffocation of clinginess, no need for power games of jealousy and lying.

Screenshot_20190901-193231_Gallery.jpg

So, me not knowing how to act is truly a realization and affirmation that I’m actually not tew much, my needs and desires are clear and articulate I them well. And someone willing to make sure you reflect on that is someone that cares cares. All this self and outside l-u-v has me feeling balanced more internally than I have in a long time. I’ve felt overly abundant for over a year now, and now, just like that, I feel at peace. My intuition is clear, my sense of self is strong. I know my limits, my strength, and desires. It’s just as fantastic as it sounds. 

Sidenote to this new development that has been regulating my sensory overload so much less. I wear earplugs mostly in the evening but have started wearing earbuds throughout the day- not with music but as a sound buffer. It’s made me realize what I have read and heard from many empaths-sensitive people. More so about how to turn down others emotions, which I didn’t fully comprehend it more about acknowledging and responding to your body, rather than trying to hold onto, or support the emotions of others.

 

I have zero interest in sharing emotional energy just because, taking chances everyone, or intimacy without clear rules and expectations.

My lil absorbent weak heart can’t take it, and yalls projections and insecurities tew much. HGH dropped into Virginia with goals of a fresh start back into Lesbian heaven, looking forward to working on balancing relationships, not catering to those unwilling to give, and being wholly focused on getting my needs met in intimacy. That was a fun week I had :) till :) I :) met :) someone :). I am definitely* trying to see summmmm. They may disappear tomorrow, but certainly have already been a new light in my life. Absolutely not essential to my function, but definitely maybe cultivating parts of myself I thought were dormant, even unnecessary at this point.

IMG_20190829_215650_055.jpg

Putting myself first so far this year has been all about that. more than consciousness, but action. That’s been walking away from jobs and opportunities, moving, having to talk to myself everyday, and lean on my friends even more. This sounds so destabilizing to me as an aquarius, but in practice has clearly allowed me to step into my power, and beyond feeling like I’m just surviving. The only Hot Girl Agenda I need to adhere to is treating myself with the love and respect I deserve. If its so unfathomable and unobtainable in this world, then I’m going to have to continue to exist as far outside of it as I can. I may even find a companion on this journey apparently. My summer isn’t over yet, I seem to be living 😈😈😈

She lives.

Emotional Protecc Activate!!

Emotional Protecc Activate!!